Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed. A deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?".
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant." "I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts." "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a group of islands and said, "What are those?"
"Ah," said God. "That's the Philippines, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and forests. The people from the Philippines are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving. They will be known throughout the world as carriers of peace and love."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in the government."
* * * *
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man,
"Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's clock?" asked the man. The Philippine President's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
* * * *
The new parish priest was very nervous in his first sermon that he almost could not talk. Before starting his second homily, he asked the monsignor what he must do to be relaxed during the sermon. His superior suggested that the next time he goes up the pulpit; he should first take a sip of vodka. He would feel much better before he knew it, the monsignor advised.
The next Sunday, he followed what his superior had advised, and, indeed, he felt so relaxed and could even talk at length during that stormy Sunday; he felt wonderful. Upon returning to the rectory, he found a short letter from his superior:
My Dear Reverend,
1. Next time, just take a sip, not gulps.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There were 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We don't refer to the cross as "that big T."
5. We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his 12 disciples as "JC and his band."
6. David Killed Goliath. He never kicked him in the ass.
7. We don't refer to Judas as "that asshole."
8. The Pope is sacred, not castrated. And we don't refer to him as "The Godfather."
9. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are not "Daddy, Junior, and the Apparition"
* * * *
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
